Three Simple Steps to Maintain Your Energy Outside As An Introvert
No, this doesn’t involve locking yourself in a bathroom stall until you feel better.
Introverts across the Internet seem to share this one negative experience: feeling tired, disengaged and bored in a crowd. While everyone looks like they’re having a good time, you’re stuck in a corner wishing you were back home with a warm mug of tea and a book.
Over countless work drinks and social events, I’ve hid away in my fair share of corners, stepped aside for longer-than-usual breaths of air, stared at the bottom of enough pint glasses to know there’s a better way.
Here, I’ll outline three simple steps to defend and sustain your energy as an introvert in any social situation.
1. Know your limits
How long can you go until you’re completely done for the day? An hour? Two hours? What about if you’re talking to just one person? What about if you’re talking to different people in succession?
We check the fuel gauge on our cars whenever we start it up. Phones run on batteries and we are cautious and even get anxious when they run low on power. Athletes measure and develop stamina. We are constantly, constantly measuring.
So it’s almost bizarre that most introverts don’t do the same with mental energy, even though it’s such a critical resource to how we live.
Introverts have the natural ability to self-reflect. Leverage this ability to figure out and stay on top of your limits.
Personally, I measure my energy via two angles: how I feel in the moment and a historical record of my peak.
Knowing how you feel should come easy as an introvert. I’ll omit the lecture, but some examples of indicators I use for myself are:
- my comfort level with maintaining eye contact
- whether my posture remains relaxed
- whether I’m reaching for my drink more often to give my hands something to do because I’m tired
- And of course, good old gut feel.
When I notice one or more of these wane, it tells me to watch out and plan for the next step, instead of soldiering on only to wake up miserable the next day.
The historical record not only gives me a forecast of what I can do, it also gives me confidence to perform in settings that have proven favourable in the past.
I fare better in groups of two to three when I can pass the speaking stick to someone else and “rest” between turns. With the right person, I can go on comfortably for nearly an hour of active conversation. On the wrong day, the words don’t come and I struggle to keep eye contact after ten minutes.
As you can see, the range varies wildly, but by reflecting and paying attention to where I struggle and where I thrive, I can build an understanding of which situations are advantageous, and which will burn me out quicker.
Together, these angles help me form a kind of energy budget: Here’s what I can do and for how long before I get uncomfortable.
Having an energy budget gives me a sense of control over my state of being, and confidence in my situation — as long as I respect it, I’ll be okay.
Your mileage will vary, but there’s no “bad” limit to have, nor are your limits fixed.
Instead of seeing it as a chore, why not use the next social situation as an opportunity to learn more about yourself?
2. Work your situation
How you want to distribute your energy is your choice and your responsibility.
Think of it like a carnival and you’ve got a limited budget. Do you pick the cotton candy or the popcorn? Do you watch the acrobats or ride the roller coasters?
You could certainly choose to save up all the energy and go home, but there’s probably a reason you were invited to the event or situation you’re in, and energy is there to be used. Give your brain some credit — your energy will replenish over time.
It’s usually in a large crowd that introverts struggle the most, but think of a large crowd as a group of small crowds and it becomes easier to work within.
Your position in a situation is fluid. You can move yourself, and even others, to form situations that favour your energy conservation. You don’t have to start off with ideal situations — it’s perfectly fine, and even better, to kick off the occasion in a situation that you might otherwise not have the energy for.
If it’s meeting new people, do that first. If it’s rehashing the week with people you see regularly, do that first. Engage with whoever’s around at the time. You’re at your theoretical peak, you can do this!
As the situation develops and you expend energy, stay in touch with how you feel. When you’ve spent a certain amount, switch to a more ideal situation.
By budgeting your energy, you exert greater control on your situation, and you won’t find yourself dead tired by the end.
3. Stick the landing
The trick is to end unsustainable situations before you’re drained so that you have energy left for others you may want to mingle with.
It sounds simple, so why do we more often than not find ourselves trapped in overly long conversations, itching for a way to be freed?
I personally struggled a lot with ending conversations because I thought I was doing the other person a disservice. If the conversation felt too short, I thought it reflected poorly on myself for not being interesting, and on them that I couldn’t be interested in what they had to say.
Typing it outright makes it look so silly, but I imagine there are plenty of introverts who feel this way.
The way I see it: if you can bring yourself to regret going to the event, you can bring yourself to leave a situation in search of an easier time better suited to your energy budget.
These days, I use some variant of:
“Great talking to you, I need to go catch up with/say hi to X”
or
“Good to hear, I’ll catch you next time”
It’s polite but brief, and most importantly I don’t make up an excuse to leave.
I don’t feign a phone call. I don’t cite a premature call of nature to rush to the bathroom. Whether it’s been three minutes or forty, if the energy budget is spent, or the situation is proving to be too uphill for my tastes, it’s time to move on.
Giving a conversation a graceful end is more dignified — and pleasant for both parties — than dragging it out. More so than trying valiantly to elicit answers out of your conversation partner like pulling teeth.
As with riding a bike or parsing a Haruki Murakami novel, it gets easier with practice.
Conclusion
Start by getting to know yourself better and what fits you best. As you practice within the boundaries of your energy budget, you’ll gain confidence without having to crash as soon as you get home.
I firmly believe that energy is there to be used, not hoarded. The brightest people in my circles — and I imagine yours too — are the ones who are generous, and by knowing how much you can dispense, you can emulate them to make the here and now a bit better.
What did you think? Do you use these techniques, or have you developed your own? Let us know in the comments.
